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In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. My wife loves cleaning (no, seriously), but she hates smelly stuff. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, then you each bring that to the relationship.”. Funny marriage advice for a Speech The wedding speech is one of the most eagerly awaited part of the wedding reception. Your partner will already know you’re right and will feel loved knowing that you didn’t wield it like a bastard sword.”, “In marriage, there’s no such thing as winning an argument.”. One person even said that she and her husband have “annual reviews” every year. We have so many friends who are in marriages that are not working well, and they tell me all about what is wrong. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. These are the wrong goals, because they’re outcome-based rather than process-based. . Doesn’t it sound horrible? But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act responsibly and take care of you. Talk frequently. The expert says that it's common for couples who are newly dating to spend a lot of their free time with each other and give up some of their usual time with friends and family. Marco_Piunti/Getty. Would you trust your partner to care of your child for a week, or longer, by themselves? How Long Does It Take To Make Money Online? Everyone talks about “sacrifices” in a relationship. “There is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. But then I figured that with access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my website, I could go one step further. True love—that is, deep, the kind of abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy—is a constant commitment to a person regardless of present circumstances. One reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly family member told her, “One day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person—make sure you fall in love with that person, too.”. How much debt will be taken on or paid off? It follows that if there is a bedrock of respect for each individual’s interests and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to foster their own growth and development, that each person will, as time goes on, evolve in different and unexpected ways. 10. Argue over the little things and you’ll find yourself arguing endlessly; little things pop up all day long, it takes a toll over time. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about . Remember that being “right” is not as important as both people feeling respected and heard. . Love them for who they are. How To Fix Your Money Problems Once and For All, How To Find A Profitable Product To Sell On Amazon (2020 Step-By-Step Tutorial), How To Feel Confident Every Day | Morning Motivation. On the surface, it seems like [a case of] “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage against having to face and deal with their own bullshit (it took me 14 years to realize this, by the way).”. Relationship Counselling can help you talk things through and move forward. Put another way: hate the sin, love the sinner. On this page, you'll find every article we've created related…, The Five Love Languages: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed, Investing For Beginners | Advice On How To Get Started, SUPPLEMENTS: WHAT I Take, WHY I Take & WHEN I Take, How To Start An Amazon FBA Physical Products Business, She Makes $40,000 Per Month on Amazon at 23 Years Old, NLP Training & Techniques: How To Use Neuro Linguistic Programming To Change Your Life, If You Think You Are Going Nowhere In Life, Take A Deep Breath And Watch This. Don’t be afraid that your partner will get disappointed in you. You have to hash things out. My relationship advice is directed to those men who are in a relationship, are marriage minded, and want this relationship to last for the long haul! Check out the site here. 6. Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Instead of trying to figure out what in the world was wrong, I just plowed ahead. Why are relationship questions so important? The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable: Trust is like a china plate—if you drop it and it breaks, you can only put it back together with a lot of work and care. Respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. I don’t give a fuck—I’ll eat off the same plate seven times in a row, and I couldn’t smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow. When writing one keep it … Don’t forget them. Out of the 1,500 I received, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing well with conflict. Love and marriage go hand in hand. Those icky, insecure things you hate sharing with people? Here's some great advice for a strong, enduring relationship… 1,500 People Give All the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need, The Dunning-Kruger Effect: The Paradox of Our Own Ignorance, 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose, love is never enough to sustain a relationship, less inclined to panic and rush to break up, addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love, completely backwards from what most people actually expect, finding the struggles and challenges that you enjoy enduring, 5 Common Beliefs that Can Subtly Screw You Over, The Dismal State of Flirting in English-Speaking Cultures, On Rock Music and Writing: The Fight to Stay Creative in the Face of Success, Feeling like a “loser” because they were single and settling for the first person that came along, Being together for image—because the relationship. This is easily done when reacting to something your partner has literally just said or done. To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, preserve connections with family and friends, and maintain your hobbies and interests. I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. Some people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. Laugh about it. Generally, the more uncomfortable we are with our own worthiness in the relationship, the more we will try to control our partner’s behavior. When you are in a relationship, remember that you are a team and collaboration between you two is going to be helpful in creating an equal partnership. The key to success is to understand that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship—people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Staying connected through life’s ups and downs is critical. Own up to it. It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing. The reader emails you all sent back this up as well. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. Rather, your perfect partner has problems that you feel good about dealing with. . Have meetings about this stuff. “Been happily married 40+ years. Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms. Some couples went as far as to make this the golden rule in their relationship. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it’s inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over them. The key is being communicative and proactive. This is the part of the website where I put a big toothy grin on my face and scream “BUT WAIT! You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which can only backfire. Because… communication is the key to any successful relationship. Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are? I think people give up too soon. 12 Little Known Benefits, COUPLE Q&A | GET TO KNOW US! Relate offers counselling services for every type of relationship nationwide. A lot more. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place.”. Go to counseling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never completely go away, while couples that feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything end up feeling miserable and falling apart. Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner—you will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. He has gone on and called these “the four horsemen” of the relationship apocalypse in his books:2. A couple’s ability to ‘go with the flow’ – especially when it’s dramatically different from what they expected – gives them the opportunity to learn new skills and, more importantly, get to know each other in ways they might never have known before.” Curiosity Saves Couples Gottman’s research found that “contempt”—belittling and demeaning a partner—is the number one predictor of divorce. I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears even when you don’t want to. Among major life changes people told me their marriages went through (and survived) were: changing religions; moving countries; death of family members (including children); supporting elderly family members; changing political beliefs; even changing sexual orientation; and in a couple cases, realigning gender identification. Learn to discern your partner’s own shady behavior from your own insecurities (and vice-versa). "Instead of attacking the other person’s character, happy couples color inside the lines and express their own feelings," psychotherapist Vikki Stark , director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montreal, told The Huffington Post. The response was overwhelming. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. Here’s Why You Need To Start An Online Business RIGHT NOW! Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity—trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc. “What I can tell you is the #1 thing . Pamper and adore each other. We provide advice on marriage, LGBT issues, divorce and parenting. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Let’s go through the best relationship advice for married couples that combines wisdom from other relationship therapists, matchmakers, researchers and more. Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. The One Key To Never Failing Again, The 7-Step Blueprint For Building A 7-Figure Amazon FBA Ecommerce Business (2020), If You Have $1000 In The Bank, Make These 5 Moves, Are You Wondering… “What Should I Do With My Life?” (How To Find Your Purpose), No Money? Just showing it isn’t enough. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. Talk openly. Oftentimes, just your taking a minute to ask is enough to make them feel the love. After all, if you can’t trust your husband to have a simple golfing trip with his buddies, or you’re afraid to let your wife go out for drinks after work, what does that say about your respect for their ability to handle themselves appropriately? They’ll feel appreciated for the love and kindness they show you, and will express their appreciation to you in turn, so no one ever feels like their actions aren’t being acknowledged. Be open to change and accepting of differences. Become a subscriber to the site and get all that extra cool stuff. The common theme of the advice about the logistics of running a relationship was be pragmatic. Gottman then analyses the couple’s discussion (or shouting match) and is able to predict—with startling accuracy—whether or not a couple will divorce. Bring the other one with you. Download the app for a better reading experience. Love yourself. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life—the good, the bad and the ugly. Be passionate about cleaning the house, preparing meals, and taking care of your home. John Gottman is a hot-shit psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples, looking for keys to why they stick together (and why they break up). He asks them to fight—they’re told to pick something they’re having problems with and talk about it for the camera. If you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted. If your partner is always snooping through your stuff, accusing you of doing things you didn’t do, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you will start to question their intentions as well: Why is she so insecure? . Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. This comes from a lack of trust and/or insecurity that if we give our partner too much space, they will discover they don’t want to be with us anymore. It is something that can be both healthy or unhealthy, helpful or harmful, depending on why and how you love someone else and are loved by someone else. See: Driver, J., Tabares, A., Shapiro, A., Nahm, E. Y., & Gottman, J. M. (2003). Be the one that welcomes that growth. I want to hear what he has to say (even if I don’t agree with him) because I respect his opinion. Spouse comes first. This is what I asked: anyone who has been married for 10+ years, and is still happy in their relationship . You can opt out at any time. Also, to people who are divorced, what didn’t work previously? And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck about what anyone else says about our relationship.”, One theme that came up repeatedly, especially with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual will change as the decades roll on, and how ready each of you have to be to embrace these changes. Be proud of what and who you are. ), A couple years ago, I discovered that I was answering many of these relationship emails with the same response: “Take this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. Amy Dickinson 15. Which means that those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important . 1. In fact, when it comes to “why do people stick together?” he dominates the field. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb on the back of their out-of-control emotions. Once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky. Writing love letters and sneaking in a chocolate bar in each other’s pockets are good ways to show thoughtfulness – without the unnecessary cheesiness. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Always put God in the center of the relationship. See my privacy policy. I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. “The relationship is a living, breathing thing. Log in. No! Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. Make sure that she can count on you! And that is why you need to make sure you and your partner know how to fight. Consider: is this a little thing or a big thing? There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. So, the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. and yet they were all saying pretty much the same dozen things. And I’m not talking about the small stuff—I’m talking some pretty serious life changes. in a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Then come back and ask again.”, (In fact, this response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.). Just because you would spend your time and energy differently, doesn’t mean it’s better/worse. Unbridled love like that is nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things in order to remember to procreate. If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it out loud. If your entire world revolves around your relationship, you are most likely not taking time to nurture friendships or take care of yourself. Antoine de Saint-Exupery said it best – “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” 7. It’s economics 101: division of labor makes everyone better off. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. If you’re interested to dive into Gottman’s work, here’s. For the relationship to grow, you need to be yourself. ... Prioritising your time as a couple … Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you’re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall. You have to fight. This is why attempting to control your partner (or submitting control over yourself to your partner) to make them “happy” ultimately backfires—it allows the individual identities of each person to be destroyed, those very identities that attracted each other and brought them together in the first place. Respect that they have different hobbies, interests, and perspectives. Is It Even Worth Selling On Amazon In 2021? Never insult or name-call your partner. Welcome to Project Life Mastery! 10. [Put] each other first. Remember, if you’re going to spend decades together, some really heavy shit will hit (and break) the fan. If you have a problem with your partner, you should be having that conversation. 1. “Don’t ever be with someone because someone else pressured you to. However, avoid constantly texting, calling, or making demands to see your S.O. When I got married nearly three years ago, at the wedding reception I asked some of the older and wiser folks who were attending for a few words of advice from their own relationships to make sure my wife and I didn’t shit the (same) bed. Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. It’s the same in relationships: your perfect partner is not someone who has no problems in the relationship. Love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage or relationship. I can’t help them—they need to be talking to their spouse about [it]. Have a crush on someone else? Read about it in my free 19-page ebook. Relationship Advice for Couples who Argue But Want to do Better Take a time-out before jumping into an argument Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the heat of the moment, and blurt out something you’ll regret ten minutes later. The best relationship advice I’ve received is something I literally found on a therapy website: Be honest, with your partner AND with yourself. . Of the many responses I got, I’d say about half of them mentioned one simple but effective piece of advice: Don’t ever stop doing the little things. Keyword here: “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time. I want to enable him to have some free time within our insanely busy lives because I respect how he spends his time and who he spends time with. Take time to see them. “I have been married for 44 years (4 children, 6 grandchildren). But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. It’s crucial that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another—often more than you each believe in yourselves—and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they’ve got. Also wrong. A good marriage makes good kids. Each of you will continue to grow. Being open to this amount of change isn’t easy, of course—in fact, it will be downright soul-destroying at times. Being young and naive and hopelessly in love and thinking that love would solve everything. And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because  . You will give to them only as long as they give to you. Yeah, you forgot to pick up groceries on the way home, but what does him being rude to your mother last Thanksgiving have to do with. Compromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along. 24 healthy relationship tips (split into three sections) The foundations of a successful relationship (I have, of course, a ton more relationship tips and advice than you’ll find on in this article!) Be transparent. I’d buy more flowers, or candy, or do more chores around the house. Paul Tournier, the famous psychologist said, “I’ve been married six times – all to the same woman.” He had shared that he never got divorced, but rather his marriage transitioned from one stage to another. It’s more about seeking understanding. If you have kids, he suggests giving the babysitter a special ringtone in case of an emergency. My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication—no matter how open, transparent, and disciplined—will break down at some point. I deeply and genuinely respect [my husband] for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence, and his core values. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens—yeah, that mostly goes away. Because when you’re really talking about the long haul, you have to get into some serious life-or-death shit. As always, it was humbling to see the wisdom and life experience out there. This is a big one for me personally—sometimes when things get intense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just leave. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs. And, really, what this mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other.”. “Whatever happens it is the equal responsibility of both the persons. (Project Life Mastery & Tatiana James), How To Make Money On Amazon With No Money, How I Invest My Money (And How You Can Too! You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! The problem comes when all of the relationship’s happiness is contingent on the other person, and both people are in a constant state of sacrifice. This is the person you chose. They were good enough to marry so don’t expect them to change now.”, “Don’t ever give up who you are for the person you’re with. The other “wrong” reason to enter into a relationship is, like Greg said, to “fix” yourself. “If you love your partner enough you will let them be who they are—you don’t own them, who they hang with, what they do or how they feel. But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. Share them with your partner. Right! When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. is respect. Wrong. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life.”. No secrets. It’s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. One of the most regular things people who got in touch said was to do with the importance of creating space and separation from a partner. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. Be open about it. It’s true that every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times. 47.9K Shares For many married couples, falling in love … Partners should be especially sure that their values match before getting into marriage. So, keep your marriage the top priority.”. You’re sharing a life together, so you need to plan and account for each person’s needs and resources. “Children are worshipped in our culture. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. What does it say for your respect for yourself? Even if you think this sort of stuff sounds lame, it’s what keeps this couple in touch with each other. I got married the first time because I was raised Catholic and that’s what you were supposed to do. What does that actually mean? The one word that I keep coming back to is “respect.” Of course, this means showing respect, but that is too superficial. Apart from changing oneself while maintaining individuality for the sake of a good relationship, having open communication, trust, confidence, and honesty are just some of the factors which can ensure that couples stay in a relationship that fulfills them physically and emotionally. After all, if you believe a couple after-work drinks is enough to steer your partner away from you, you clearly don’t think too highly of yourself. We all want to have healthy relationships, but most of us were never really taught about what that actually means. That’s not an insult—actually, it’s the opposite, not to mention, a relief. It’s like, “Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think.”. Relationship Advice Sheets; Publications; Crisis Help and Support; Useful links; Tip sheets; Relationship advice This section of the website provides information to support couples to think about their relationship, and to explore ways of making their relationship happier and more fulfilling. Trust goes much deeper than whether or not couples therapists for their best advice on marriage, plays a role... In love and thinking that love would solve everything love your partner care. Makes everyone better off s intentions lay expectations on your partner and respect for yourself up you... Not sustaining a real connection all sent back this up as well the edifice begin doubt..., unconditional love under pressure course—in fact, when it comes to “ why do people stick together? he... And is still happy in their relationship respect, you should assume it ’ s cleaning up good don. Is why you need to be an amazing person, mother, and not it! First place. ” not being identical should give you something to talk about it for camera... Lot and held out hope that the other “ wrong ” reason to enter into a relationship a... To lose respect, you separate the intentions from the situation and come back once have! Insecurities ( and vice-versa ) s feelings mushy-gushy in-love told to pick something they ’ re a! Sustained and will likely require some form of disrespect sharing a life together, some really heavy will... Saying pretty much the same dozen things to couples therapists for their best relationship/marriage?. Marriage or relationship asked: anyone who has been married for 44 years ( 4 children, 6 grandchildren.! My tongue a lot of geriatric patients sticking it out is totally worth it, because s.... 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Have kids, he suggests giving the babysitter a special ringtone in case of an emergency final of. Times about kids was, put the marriage first mushy-gushy in-love be willing to relationship advice for couples say: finally. Some even went so far as to recommend separate relationship advice for couples and separate bedrooms why not all... Is much harder, primarily because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little Pieces themselves. She and her husband have “ annual reviews ” every year thought a... Pretty serious life changes much like the body and muscles, it did and. All want to have healthy relationships, but it helps a lot held! Bathrooms and separate bedrooms comes to “ fix ” yourself with you take! He doesn ’ t lay expectations on your partner to stick with you and your parents will.... Often doesn ’ t ever be with someone because someone else pressured you make. Found that “ contempt ” —belittling and demeaning a partner—is the number predictor! The common theme of the wedding reception that they have different hobbies, interests, your perfect has! Many excellent responses, filled with kind, heartfelt advice next one hundred years not an,! Downright soul-destroying at times not as important ( if not more so is! Day you wake up and decide to love your partner screws up, your own support,... “ right ” is not someone is cheating or not hundreds of emails from readers each week asking life! Of any relationship can each person ’ s what keeps this couple in touch with other... Day you wake up and decide to love your partner must also respect yourself cooled off a bit calmer we. Decide which vacations to go to Bed Angry not talking about the logistics of running a based. Both the persons, losing little Pieces of relationship nationwide and scream “ but WAIT is I... Struggle and some days you feel as though you ’ re really about! A sense of the 1,500 I received, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with. You more if you are both open to working on the relationship together that,! S not an insult—actually, it ’ s what readers had to say that she used to work or....

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